It Pains Me, But My Husband’s Stable Job Is More Important Than Mine During This Pandemic

“Because Dad’s job is more imp–” I stopped myself. I couldn’t believe what I’d almost told my son, who was wondering why he had to stay with me while I joined a video meeting. I didn’t recognize the woman who proudly wears her working mom badge, who’s passionate about equalizing gendered imbalances in all relationships, who advocates for women to succeed professionally. Surely, she would never think that her husband’s job was more valuable than her own, let alone tell that to her impressionable 5-year-old.

I didn’t have to finish the word. My perceptive son no doubt already sensed that his father’s job took precedence over mine in the COVID era. He and his little brother spend much more time with me during business hours over their dad.

Try as we might every night through calendar acrobatics, my husband and I frequently wind up with meetings that overlap. And just about every time that’s happened, I’ve taken my video call from our living room with the kids around, while my husband has the relative child-free peace our basement affords. That’s because even though his company is, theoretically, as family-friendly as mine, the truth is his job is more crucial for our finances than mine in every way. So that’s the one we put both our efforts toward keeping.

Not so long ago, our base salaries were pretty evenly matched. Then COVID hit, and I took a nearly 15 percent salary reduction. Our companies both matched our 401k contributions. Now, only his does. His employer promised not to lay off a single soul for 90 days. Mine shed several long-term employees and ominously admitted that more cuts were to come. He might not get his entire annual bonus, but his company guaranteed a good chunk of it whether or not his team hits their goals during the pandemic. I got a small bonus once in three years. His employer’s health insurance was always far superior to mine, and nothing has changed there.

Sure, I could say it’s because women, in general, are more poorly compensated than men But it’s also because he has an engineering job at a successful tech company, which attracts more men–perhaps because historically, that field hasn’t been kind to women–and I’m in the flailing media industry, with plenty of women around, though not many at the top making the decisions that make or break the business.

When he gets an invite to secure a deal worth 10 to 100 times more than the kinds I play a role in, yeah, I’m going to be joining my call with the little ones jumping on the couch next to me. When his childless manager wants to talk one-on-one with him at the same time my kid-loving manager wants to check in with me, guess where the boys are: with me. And when we both need focused time to tackle a challenging work issue, he gets first dibs for scheduling it.

We’re putting our family first, but it feels like we’re putting his career first, and mine a distant second. I don’t resent my husband–I’m grateful he works for such a wonderful employer that keeps our family afloat, allowing me to do what I love even though it’s not as stable or lucrative. But I wish I could do what I love during this crisis without having to simultaneously fulfill the bulk of the responsibilities of a stay-at-home parent. And just as much, I wish my sons could see that Mom’s job is just as important as Dad’s.

I know I’m not the only woman making this calculation right now. Women have been putting husbands, kids and practically everyone else but themselves first since time immemorial. Despite doing what’s best for my family, I’m guilty of perpetuating a cycle that holds moms back. (No wonder working moms’ anxiety is sky-high right now.) But if I’ve learned anything during these trying times, it’s this: We have to go easy on ourselves. We’re doing our best. In my case, that means I’m doing what I can to show my boys that women’s work–both the paid and unpaid time–matters. Even if I’m too busy to traditionally homeschool them, they’re absorbing this key lesson. That just might help them end the cycle one day.